Mom

Ten years ago today my Mom passed away from acute leukemia caused by the chemotherapy treatments she was undergoing for breast cancer. The song playing is Mindy Smith's "One Moment More". She wrote it after she lost her Mom to breast cancer. I thought it would be fitting to play today.

It’s so hard to believe ten years have passed. At the time Jodie was 3, Jamie was 6 months, and Chase wasn’t even thought of yet. And ten years from now, Chase will be graduating from high school. Where does the time go?

I took Natty-dog for a run today and we went through the cemetery where Mom’s grave is. We stopped for awhile. I think Natty sensed my sadness. At first she sat and licked my face, but then she lay quietly next to me while I cried.

I miss my Mom. I miss the sound of her working in the kitchen. I miss the smell of her Sunday dinner…try as I might, mine’s never as good as hers. I miss hearing her hum while she was lost in thought. I miss the way she would try not to laugh at my jokes, but then she’d smile that crooked smile. I miss how she would make even the simplest things special, like shaping little tomatoes into roses just to make the potato salad look nice. I miss listening to her play the piano. She played all her favorite hymns by ear. I miss her exceptionally soft hands and face, that even at 70 years of age had no signs of a wrinkle. There’s more, but mostly I just miss her.

We really weren’t as close as I would have liked. She wasn’t a warm-fuzzy kind of Mom. She didn’t talk about her childhood or tell stories about her past and she never talked about her feelings. I wish she would have. I would liked to have known her better and I think if she had to do it all over again, she would have wanted me to know her better.

That’s a good lesson, I guess. I want my kids to know me, to know what I believe and what I’m passionate about. I want them to have a huge list of all the things they miss about me when I’m gone! But mostly I want them to know that I loved Jesus and I loved them and that loving others like Jesus loves is what really matters in life.

Even though my Mom was kind of private and I didn't know her the way I would have liked, I know I loved her and she loved me and I miss her very much. I wish I had just one moment more....

The Shack

So have you read the book by William Young called "The Shack"? Maybe you read the back cover and then, like me, said "No way will I ever read that. Why would I want to read a gut renching book about the tragedy of losing a child?"

After being coaxed along by friends and my sister-in-law, I decided to borrow a copy and take a look at it. I was hooked just by reading the forward. Finished it in 2 days. I'd highly recommend it. You'll be hooked too...you'll cry, you'll laugh, mostly you'll think about your view of God and wonder.....

That's all I'm going to say about that.

Somewhere a dog barked.....

Hero Mom

Yesterday I got to be a hero. Here's how this rare title became mine for a few moments in time.

As I was putting the kids to bed, boy wonder couldn't find his new Star Wars Storm Trooper. He said he left it in the cargo pocket of his church pants, but he couldn't find his pants. I said that I had seen them in the laundry hamper. He said he looked there and they weren't there. We walked to the laundry hamper and there they were right on top. Figures right? That's not the hero part though.

When he looked in the pocket there was no Star Wars Storm Trooper. Things began to get tense. He had just purchased this the day before with his own money. We looked around, but couldn't find it and it was getting late. I told him he needed to get to bed and that we'd look for it the next day. He fought back tears as he climbed into bed. "I think I lost it and I'll never find it." "Don't worry buddy, we'll find it."

A few minutes later while I was reading a book, he came to me with red watery eyes and said, "Mom, will you wake me up early tomorrow so I can have time to look for my Storm Trooper before school?" I reached out and pulled him up into my lap and said, "Let's think about where you had your Storm Trooper." Step by step we retraced the activities of the day. Took it to church, came home, played outside; "did you take it outside?". "No". "You played downstairs, did you take it down there?" "No, I looked there already." Hmmm....we continued to try and recall all that we had done. Then I remembered that we went out to eat after church. "Did you take it to the restaurant?" "Yes." "What coat did you wear?"

With lightening speed he jumped from my lap and ran out of the room. Within a few short minutes he returned with a somber look on his face. "Did you find it?" Sheepishly he opened his hand and revealed the cherished Storm Trooper. He climbed back up in my lap and gave me a big hug. He didn't say the words, but I'm sure he must have been thinking that at that moment his mom was his hero. It felt good.

Comment to Love Wins

Ah Joann, I think about mom and miss her everyday as well. I have always loved that picture of you and mom in front of the bathroom mirror. I think that bathroom was turquoise.

Being 6 years older than you I do remember a few things about your birth and babyhood with mom. She loved to cuddle you. She loved to put a curl on the top of your head. (I thought it looked silly.) She loved dressing you in pink. She loved to rock you and hum you a little song. She would let me hold you by putting a pillow on my lap and laying you on it. I have a vague memory of mom putting you in the “buggy” (they weren’t called strollers back then I don’t think) and taking us all for a walk around Bundy street.

As you grew older she loved that you liked to play dress-up in girlie clothes. I always played dress-up by putting on Jimmie's clothes. It was the only time I got to wear jeans and to me that was freedom! After 6 years with a tomboy, she was so happy to have a girlie-girl who liked girlie things. I was totally ok with that since it took the pressure off of me to conform!

Mom would be proud of us, Joann; not with many words, but in her quiet way. She’d smile that sort of half smile where it would start out as if she was trying not to smile and then it would turn into a big grin. You know the one, we see it now in Jodie. I wonder if she would see herself in Jodie if she was still here.

Thanks for writing about mom. I miss her so much, but I’m thankful that one day we will all be together again. I love you Joann. And I love you mom.

And Another Thing

My last post examined the idea that as Christians we often think that we need to be struggling with some issue in order to feel like we're maturing in our faith. Furthermore, pastors often preach to us about sin, evil desires, and all the things we're doing that keep us from God.

And then today I was reading in Dallas Willard's book, "The Divine Conspiracy", and bam, there it was. He was explaining what Jesus meant when he spoke of the kingdom of heaven, also noting that churches today rarely speak of Jesus as teacher. Instead we hear a lot about the dos and don'ts of "right" living. Willard writes, "We are flooded with what I have called 'gospels of sin management'...while Jesus' invitation to eternal life now...remains for the most part ignored and unspoken." That's it! That's what I have been feeling and trying to convey, but good 'ol Dallas does it so much better. (I must confess here that this is the second time I have begun reading this book. It's definitely not an easy read, especially for someone who has spent the last 12 years as a stay-at-home mom. Gotta get rid of those dust bunnies of the brain.)

I'm learning to love and serve Jesus because he is my Lord but also because he is my friend and, like Paul, "I want to know him and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death, so as to somehow attain to the resurrection from the dead." Phil. 3:10 That's not about "sin management", that's about living the eternal life now. The word "know" is used here like the word "intimate". I want to know Him intimately.

But (there's that big but again), it doesn't stop there. Knowing Jesus intimately and becoming more like him everyday turns me outward, not inward. And that's where I often feel challenged. What can I do to show God's love in a practical way not just to those around me...that doesn't seem challenging enough. Well, there are some around me who are quite challenging, but I'm speaking about the forgotten, the poor and oppressed that Jesus so often spoke about. My heart desires to do more, maybe volunteer at a women's center or something like that. I must explore this further.

Somewhere a dog barks......

Not To Fast

Well, my fasting days are over. Yep it's true. I quit. Gave it a try and gave it up. But (and everyone's got a big but), I'm ok with it. Seriously. Weird huh? I'm not even carrying around that evangelical guilt that so often jumps on my back and puts me in that choke hold.

Here's the thing. I'm a health nut. Even more so since my battle with cancer. I don't really look at food as a crutch or as entertainment. For me it's more about keeping myself alive through smart choices. I have become quite disciplined about it. So while fasting I discovered that I began to be obsessed with food. I'd think about when and what I could eat next. The day before the fast, I'd start thinking that I better eat more to get me through the next day. After the fast, I'd be so hungry that I'd eat too much. I started becoming unhealthy, the very thing I have worked so hard to avoid.

So I chucked it. And yes, I did begin to feel some guilt about it...beat myself up a bit and felt like a big loser. But then I talked with my spiritual mentor (yep, I got me one of those. She's way cool and she has taught me so much about loving and serving Jesus. I highly recommend that you get one. I think I got her through Amazon - ok just kidding about that.). She said that sometimes as Christians we get used to feeling inadequate, like we don't measure up. Pastors preach every Sunday that we must do better in our walk, we read books to inspire us in some spiritual discipline, etc. All that is good and it's important to grow and stretch, but sometimes we can honestly take a look at where we are with Jesus and feel okay. Wow! What freedom! My mentor compared this feeling to the scene in the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" where Tom Hanks looks into his son's eyes and says, "We're ok aren't we Jonah? We're ok."

There are times in our spiritual quest that we can look at Jesus and say, "Hey, we're ok right?", and rather than feel shame or guilt over the fact that we're not struggling, we can relish in that moment of "okay-ness". What a great feeling!

So I have discovered that fasting from food is not necessarily beneficial for me at this point in my life. In fact, it was definitely creating some unhealthy habits. I think maybe I'll seek another alternative....hmmmm....I wonder what it could be.

Somewhere a dog barks...

To Fast or Not to Fast

So our pastor is encouraging the entire congregation to take part in a season of fasting. Sounds like no big deal right? Wrong! I've looked over the fasting schedule and sure it sounds easy enough, but continue reading and you'll see that before it's all over you'll have completed a total of 85 days of fasting and 40 of those days are consecutive! I really want to be a team player, but that just sounds impossible to me. Especially after giving it a try for just one day.

Last week I did a one day partial fast...meaning I went from dinner one night to dinner the next night. It was painful - literally. My stomach was in agony. I'm such a wimp. But I'm really glad I did it and I did spend most of the day in constant prayer because I could barely function due to the agonizing hunger pains. And of course I continually thought about the people all over the world who suffer hunger pains on a daily basis. Again, I'm such a wimp.

An interesting conversation did happen at the dinner table when I finally broke my fast. I hadn't told the kids I was fasting until we sat down to eat that night. I explained to them what it was and why we fast. I was telling them that a pretty cool thing happened while having my devotions that morning. I've been reading in Mark and the passage for that day was the story about the disciples who were trying to cast out a demon from a boy and they couldn't do it. So Jesus came and took care of that pesky spirit. Later the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't cast it out and he told them that some can only be driven out with prayer and fasting. "Isnt' that amazing?", I said. "The day I was fasting the scripture for my devotions was about fasting!" To which boy wonder replied in that what-did-you-expect kind of voice, "Well yeah, it's a God thing." duh.

I'm going to continue fasting one day a week and maybe work up to 3 days of partial fasting. I want to stretch in my walk with Jesus and this is an area I have always pretty much avoided, not because I'm a food-aholic, I'm extremely disciplined when it comes to food. So why have I avoided fasting? Maybe it's because I don't like discomfort. If that's the case, maybe vowing to sleep on the floor for 40 days would be just as difficult and I bet most of the world sleeps on a hard surface every night, so it correlates. Hmmm...I'm actually not sure which would be more difficult, 40 days of fasting or 40 days of sleeping on the floor. I'll have to sleep on that one and get back to ya.