Love Actually

I'm reading Dallas Willard's "Restoration of the Heart" again. This will be the second time. Actually, if you count all the times I've had to re-read certain phrases or paragraphs, I'm probably closer to 20-25 times. That Willard...sure makes a person think. But I love when an author makes me go, "huh?".

So what is my spiritual side and how does it affect my actions and life? Willard says that "spiritual formation for the Christian basically refers to the spirit-driven process of forming the inner world of the human self in such a way that it becomes like the inner being of Christ Himself." Look into that and be scared. The inner being of Christ led Him to hang out with prostitutes, have dinner with crooked government employees, touch the lepers, and eventually die a horrible death...willingly. And my goal is to be more like Him everyday...what? Seriously? Do I really want to tackle that challenge?

Yes...yes I do. And it scares me. According to Willard, "the degree to which spiritual formation in Christ is successful, the outer life of the individual becomes a natural expression or outflow of the character and teachings of Jesus." I'm not even close. But I have this longing for my inner life to become like the inner being of Jesus. And it's not about doing good, although that is an outcome. I want to love like Jesus because I deeply love Him, not because I want to be like Him. Does that make sense? I don't want to do good just because I'm trying to be more like Him. I want my love for Him to somehow work it's way out of me into my everyday life.

My battle with cancer drew me into a relationship with Jesus that was deep and vibrant. Most of my prayers weren't answered, at least not the way I wanted them to be. But that was really the beauty of it. I learned to love Jesus more deeply just because. Not because of the miraculous way He had healed me.

So is it possible for me to love others...just because, not for any other reason? Just because...no strings attached. Not so I can gain something from them or so that I can say, "Hey Jesus, look at me, I'm loving like you." Love, pure and simple....well, probably not always simple. Willard says that trying to act lovingly will only lead to despair and to the defeat of love. It's taking God's kind of love into the depths of our being through spiritual formation that enables us to act lovingly.

God's love in the depths of my being...I like it.

"I Want to be a Noun"

Friday, January 11, 2008

The other day Chase said, "Mom, I want to be a noun when I grow up." Wondering what he really meant but not wanting to embarrass him I asked, "What exactly do you want to do when you're a noun?" To which Jamie quickly recited, "You are a noun, because a noun is a person, place or thing." Ahh, the joy of big sisters.

He went on to explain and demonstrate that he wanted to be one of those people that wears white gloves and pretends to be in a box.
I said, "Oh you mean a mime."
"Yea a mine. I want to be a mine. Do they make much money?"
"I guess it depends how good you are", I replied. He thought for a moment.
"Do mines help poor people?" (A side note: I often can be caught brainwashing the kids by telling them that I believe God will use them someday to help the poor, oppressed and underprivileged because that's what Jesus said is important.) Wanting to encourage this line of thinking I said, "Sure they could perform for kids who have never had the opportunity to see a mime; a mime could even go to a children's hospital and perform for kids who are sick."
"That's it!!", he said all excited. "I'll be a mine for kids in the hospital so they can forget they are sick!"

I love conversations like that.

Change

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Change....I like change, most of the time. I like the change that the seasons bring; new colors, new temperature, new smell in the air. I like a change of schedule, like Christmas break for the kiddos and the end of teaching a fall class for me. I even like to change my mind, which I do quite frequently.

There is some change that I find a bit more difficult to accept....the change in the size of my kids. Last week I gave daughter in the middle one of my shirts that had shrunk in the wash. Who'd have guessed it'd be the second born getting my hand-me-downs? Today firstborn and I stood side by side in front of the mirror and we can't tell who's taller. If she'd just stand up straight I'm pretty sure she'd pass me by a hair.

Later the little guy gave me a goodnight hug and I picked him up and carried him to his room which I haven't done in a long time. He's getting heavy. I love the feel of his arms tight around my neck. I miss the feel of the fuzzy sleepers he used to wear.

I tucked him in and read one of his favorite books from the Little Critter book series. He likes to spot spider and cricket on every page. I kissed him goodnight and told him I was proud of him and in his best Elvis impersonation he said, "Thank you, thank you very much." I hope his sense of humor never changes.

What If...continued

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Shane totally gets it. I wish I'd have gotten it when I was his age. I'll start at the beginning.

In my last post I pondered over whether or not Jesus really meant what he said, because if He did then why do we live like He didn't? In his book, "Irresistible Revolution", Shane Claiborne asks the same question. In his search for the answer he decided that he needed to give up Christianity and just follow Jesus. Sounds kind of radical. Shane says he's an ordinary radical. Following Jesus, really following Him, is costly. Just ask the disciples, or Dietrich Bonhoeffer, or Mother Teresa, or Corrie ten Boom.

Shane spent a summer ministering in Calcutta with Mother Teresa where he heard her say things like, "We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it." There's the real clincher; it is often easier to "do" than to love. But we are called to love like Jesus. Touching the untouchable, loving the unlovable. That's no easy task.

I wonder if while I sit in my comfortable pew every Sunday, worshiping Jesus, singing songs of praise to Him, if He would just prefer that I got off my butt and went where I could actually be Jesus to someone. And not just on Sunday, obviously.

So how does a middle-aged mother of 3 really make a difference in a broken world? Being a Sunday School teacher just doesn't seem to cut it for me. How can I be an ordinary radical for Jesus and still be a good mom who makes sure the laundry's done, supper's fixed, and the house doesn't look like hurricane Katrina just passed through?

I don't know yet, but I'm not giving up on finding out because it's as important for my kids as it is for me.

What if Jesus meant the stuff he said?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I have been reading in Matthew lately. Yesterday's passage has been irritating me a bit. Jesus was walking in the morning and he was hungry. He approached a fig tree that was full of leaves, but had no figs so he cursed it and it immediately withered.

His disciples asked him how the fig tree withered so quickly. Jesus responded by telling them that if they have faith and do not doubt, not only can they do what was done to the fig tree, but they can also say to a mountain, "Go throw yourself into the sea" and it will be done. He told them that if they believe, whatever they ask for in prayer, they will receive.

Ok, I know all the stuff the scholars and preachers tell us..."Jesus didn't really mean that. We can't use prayer as some kind of magic in order to perform incredible acts." But, what if they're wrong? No, I'm not suggesting that it's all hocus pocus. But didn't Jesus say that all authority that was given to him has been given to us? He cursed the fig tree, it withered, and then he told his disciples that they could do even greater things if they believed.

What if we're missing out on the power of God because it's easier to explain away these passages as "symbolism" than to admit we don't have the kind of faith Jesus is talking about?

My pastor says that prayer changes things sometimes, but it changes me all the time. I like that and agree with him. But here's what's really bugging me about all this:

My friend just finished going through chemotherapy for the third time in 2 years. Her blood counts show that the cancer is still in her body and the doctor wants her to begin another 6 months of chemo. If Jesus says we can move mountains, why shouldn't we be able to move cancer right out of her body and down the stinking toilet?

I wonder if someday when we no longer look through the glass darkly, we will realize that we had this amazing gift from God but we were so afraid of failure that we never opened it. Are we so fragile that we're afraid to lay our hearts open before God and ask for a miracle because if we don't receive it than somehow we're weak? Or worse yet, we're afraid it means God must not exist.

I don't think it works like that. Maybe we should pray and ask for the miracle, believing we will receive it, knowing that we very well might not, but remaining faithful to God no matter what the outcome, but never apologizing for believing in the first place.