"License to kill mosquitos by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill mosquitos at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a mosquito. And a mosquito will never quit - ever. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote." Carl Spackler played by Bill Murray in Caddie Shack. I took the liberty of changing it to say "mosquitos" instead of gophers.
The mission began at approximately 8:30 a.m. this morning with the intent of obliterating every freaking mosquito that dared to approach the Chili residence. The firepower included 3 quarts of Cutters Backyard concentrated bug spray, a spray tank, and 2 cans of Cutters fogging bug spray. The body gear was composed of a long sleeve t-shirt, hooded sweatshirt, lined sweatpants, long socks, muck shoes, heavy gloves, and a bandana. After 3 long hours of spraying this concoction all over the back 40, those darn bugs had bitten clean through my sweatshirt and t-shirt, as well as my heavy duty gloves. My shoulders ached from carrying the 3 gallon tank sprayer and my neck hurt from constantly jerking my head back and forth to keep those evil biting machines from eating me alive.
Frankly, I'm opposed to spraying any kind of poison on my yard, but I couldn't take it anymore. My kids won't even play outside. Every time I walk through my yard to my neighbor's backyard it's like walking through the Amazon jungle and I end up running and screaming for cover like some crazed lunatic....and that's strange even for me.
Unfortunately I was unable to dowse the front yard, so even though I hurried to get the door when I heard the bell ring, I was too late. The Archers came bursting through the door screaming for help as they were being ravaged by swarms of pelican-sized, needle-nosed, blood-sucking she devils (only the females can penetrate skin). Thankfully the kids and I were able to revive them and doctors believe they will soon be on the road to a full recovery. Hopefully the tremors and night terrors won't last too long either.
Somewhere a mosquito is hopefully taking it's last breath.....
Janice you are so funny! Have you ever thought of writing a column for a local newspaper? I think you're a natural!
ReplyDeletekaren - you are kind. i like to write and a few people have been nice enough to suggest that i might have a smidgen of writing talent, but i just don't really see it. i simply ramble on about life in my own goofy way. but it is fun and who knows.... thanks for the vote of confidence. :-)
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious! I LOVE your attack gear!!!
ReplyDeleteMosquitoes are pointless animals and I wish them nothing but a long, suffering kind of death.